Showing posts with label oddment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label oddment. Show all posts

20120514

All For Now

One hundred posts in six years is a pretty poor showing in Blogoland. All the same, I'm very happy with what happened here. I started An Oddment of Sandwiches as a place to put a few scattered sentences that didn't fit anywhere else. At some point I found myself actually writing stories, something I did not see coming despite having always intended to. Characters popped up again to suggest new stories for themselves. Two have even made a good argument for getting their own novels. It's a wonderfully strange process.

Even so, all things end, and this blog is now closed for new stories.

There will be at least one more post announcing where you can get a copy of a collection of "short and even shorter fiction," which will include the fruit of labors begun here as well as brand new stories. The collection will be available "later this year" as both an ebook and a paperback. Cost will be reasonable, I promise.

Big thanks to XO, emaw, Nick, and everyone else who took this stuff seriously. You will never know how much it means to me.

Meanwhile, captions continue over at The Odd Sandwich. (Don't be a Tumblr hater stranger, Nick.)

Questions? Leave them in the comments or contact me through leeingalls.com.

20110923

The Reverend Al Bovee


At a school east of town, Reverend Al taught the youth
About Biblical stories and Biblical truth.
From “In the beginning,” on past Habakkuk,
The Reverend knew every last verse of each book.
His diction was stately, his cadence was sure
As with tented fingers he'd parse the scripture.
There were hairs 'cross his head, there were books on his shelf.
The Reverend Al Bovee was pleased with himself.

The pride of the Reverend Al Bovee’s garage
Was a dark green sedan manufactured by Dodge.
This six-cylinder chariot ran like a top.
The wheels made it turn, the brakes made it stop.
It carried him swiftly to the church that he served,
It got decent mileage, was not known to swerve.
It was such a delight that he’d just let it pass when
Boys would snicker and ask, “Reverend Al, how’s your Aspen?”

20100512

9 portraits

Portrait of the artist walking home from kindergarten, wearing an Indian headdress made from multicolored yarn and construction paper.

Portrait of the artist gnawing the sparkly polish off an already ragged nail.

Portrait of the artist misjudging the ceiling at the bottom of the stairs and spending the bulk of the sleepover at the emergency room with his mother.

Portrait of the artist pooting discretely as she waits in line at Starbucks, hoping the surrounding effluvia of coffee fumes will provide sufficient cover.

Portrait of the artist holding up his pants with one hand as he runs to catch the 71X.

A portrait of the artist, hung over at 2 PM on a Sunday, searching the cushions of her late-model Datsun for the ring she "borrowed" from her mother's jewelry box.

Portrait of the artist eating an untoasted toaster pastry while on hold with tech support.

Portrait of the artist in the lobby of his dentist's office building, pressing the elevator button repeatedly while a West Indian doorman shakes his head.

Portrait of the artist in Aisle 12 placing a bottle of sweetened ice tea at the back of a shelf after drinking a portion of its contents.*

----
* Video installation from store security camera also available. See catalogue.

20090115

The Book of Your Life

The week before last, a postcard arrived informing me in bureaucratic type that the book of my life was ready and where I could pick it up.

Location: Barlow Community Center Time: Saturday 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. Please present this card along with one (1) form of legal ID

You probably remember the Barlow Community Center as Central Methodist, the big church downtown where Locust merges with Main. We used to have chess club meetings there, before the Methodists sold the building to the city and moved out to Kallendar Heights (south of the mall) to a bigger building with a gym. (You broke Chris Coster's nose during a church league volleyball tournament out there, remember?) 

I talked Cathy into driving me down there and the fact that I bought breakfast did nothing for her mood. Get there early, she kept saying, but I wasn't sure I could face it on an empty stomach. She also groused about the fact that we had to park three blocks away. A little walking won't kill us, I said, then added, Or will it? She didn't appreciate the joke. 

By the time we got there, the line had already reached the door. Inside, in what used to be the Fellowship Hall, it was like Election Day: a group of older ladies sat behind a line of folding tables. I recognized the one who took my card and put a mark next to my name in a binder. It was Shirley Wilson, the woman who used to drive the library's bookmobile from school to school. I thanked her when she handed back my numbered chit. When she looked up to say you're welcome, I saw the milky gleam of cataracts behing her glasses. 

So what happens is you take the numbered chit upstairs to the old sanctuary (they use it for lectures and concerts now) and file past a group of wooly-eared old men on the stage pulling books out of numbered cardboard boxes. They look so ordinary. No dust jacket, nothing on the spine, but open it up and there's your name and birth date on the title page. 

I thumbed through mine most of the way back in the car and I pretty much ignored everything else I intended to do that weekend. I paid no bills, the laundry went unwashed, and the hinge on the hall closet door still squeaks. 

Cathy called a couple times but I didn't pick up. I would have felt guilty about it if this wasn't exactly what happened when her book arrived. She moped around her apartment for days with her brow furrowed, flipping back and forth between the table of contents and the index at the back trying to make sense of something in the middle. 

Within a week the same thing that happened to her book happened to mine: The binding came apart and the pages started to fall out. Half of them aren't even numbered, and when they are, the numbers don't always match the index. Same thing with the endnotes. And today I noticed that the print on the pages of my book is starting to fade, just like Cathy's did. She's been using her old pages for grocery lists, bookmarks or coasters. 

So when your postcard arrives, if they manage to find your new address, you might consider just throwing it out. I hear the unclaimed books get recycled.

20090106

The Squirrel and the Length of Twine

This is a story about a squirrel and a length of twine. It starts out very nicely, as stories go, but let me warn you now: there is trouble ahead. Nothing much can be done about it, but I thought you should know.

There is a squirrel who lives in a very high tree and seldom goes out. He has an elaborate collection of shells in his nest, and this collection takes up a lot of his time. He polishes and arranges and rearranges the shells according to various categories. He corresponds by mail with other collectors and reads scholarly shell collection journals and he's made notes toward a scholarly article on the filbert (Corylus maxima).

I have an very fulfilling existence, the squirrel tells himself. I have my work. Yet he becomes transfixed when he hears the other squirrels screeching in the other trees and often finds that he's been leaning, vacant-eyed, over his work bench, paws up and ears cocked.

One day the squirrel looked out of his nest and saw a length of twine hanging down over the opening. He leaned out and gave it a cautious sniff. Nothing, just a length of twine-smelling twine. He returned to his shell collection and several days passed before he noticed the twine again.

One evening, after treating himself to a vintage California Black walnut (Juglans californica), he decided to stretch his legs. He batted the twine out of the way, hopped out onto one of the larger limbs and looked around. He saw leaves and branches swaying in the air. He breathed some of this air. Distant other-screeching floated through the late afternoon. Then he hopped back into his nest to attend to a newly acquired Brazil nut (Bertholletia excelsa).

Several days later, on a day when the other squirrels were especially loud, he found himself crouched at the entrance to his nest, trying to locate the source of the screeching. He noticed the length of twine again. He took it tentatively in one paw and gave it a little tug, just to see if it was connected to anything, and was startled when it gave a little tug in return.

I should make some notes on this, he thought as he looked up the side of the tree, craning his neck and squinting to see where the string came from. He gave it another, slightly firmer tug and got another, slightly firmer tug in return. Then, for some reason neither the squirrel nor I can figure out, he took the length of twine in both of his hind paws and gave it the mightiest yank he could muster.

As you might have guessed, the length of twine mightily yanked the squirrel right out his nest. For several terrifying seconds the squirrel tumbled through a blur of air and limbs and leaves, not knowing up from down or down from up. By a stroke of good fortune, he landed safely on a pile of leaves, and lay there for awhile looking at what he could see of the sky through the trees. One seldom sees the world from this angle, he thought, cradling his neck in his front paws and crossing one hind leg over the other.

Here's where the trouble begins.

The squirrel heard a rustling in the leaves behind him and looked up and back to see the biggest pair of brown eyes he had ever seen. He noticed right away that they were almond shaped and liked this very much. The eyes belonged to another squirrel who appeared to be smiling. The squirrel smiled himself and was surprised to hear himself let out a joyful screech.

From this point on the squirrel's story becomes unreliable. The squirrel insists that he'd seen this pair of eyes earlier, back when he looked up the side of his tree to find out where the twine came from. When I ask why he didn't say something about this before, he rolls his eyes and tells me that if I don't like his story I should make up one of my own. But I have only this squirrel to work with.

However whatever happened happened, the squirrel is much happier these days, although it would have been difficult to convince him that he wasn't very happy before he got yanked out of his tree. You will hear him screeching now and then, but he hasn't spent much time around his nest for several weeks. His shell collection has gathered a fine layer of dust.


Image above by lee.

20081219

Harriet at Lunch

After she left for lunch, Harriet Trooping forgot where she worked, which was just as well. Since she was still hungry, she went to a friend's house to ask for some food and was very surprised when her son Nebuchadnezzar opened the door.

"You didn't tell me you were spending the day at the neighbors," Harriet said, taking off her shoes and lying down on the floor. "Mmm, we should get carpet like this for our house."

"Mom, this is our house," said Neb, rolling his eyes. "And you know that Nefertiti and I make meth in the garage with Dad on Wednesdays."

Harriet closed her eyes and smiled, thinking how proud she was that her god-like children were so good at chemistry. And double-entry accounting. And locksmithery.

"Oh, say. Can you or Nef go see if Mommy shut off her car? I think I forgot."

The boy dutifully shuffled out the front door and proceeded to back Harriet's Volvo station wagon out of the cedar bushes at the back of the yard, the same bedraggled bushes that so often kept the car from drifting into the ravine behind their property.

"Here are your keys," Neb said when he returned.

Harriet said thank you, put the fob of her key chain in her mouth, and went back to sleep.


Image above: pink shag carpeting by talented flickr user Ye Olde Wig Shoppe, (used under a Creative Commons by-share-alike license).

20081215

Audio Greetings of the Damned


Ditch








It's Not Because








Courtesy of Rat Bastard Greetings.
"Pushing (and shoving) the greeting card envelope."

Photo by Lee.

20081211

Later Something Awful

In an attempt to complete a circle, he closed both of his bank accounts - checking and savings - at the same Wells Fargo branch in Berkeley where he'd opened them six years before, on a warm September morning with sap spitting down from the trees. Among the many things left unaccomplished in California, he had never learned the names of those trees. (The trees were in fact sycamores, and that "sap" a sugary substance called honeydew excreted by aphids. Basically bug shit.)

This was the first time he'd ever closed a bank account. In all the city shifting he'd done in his twenties, settling these accounts was always something left undone when it came time to leave and anyway what was the point of closing the account since you needed a check to open a new account in a new city, right? He really left those pittances behind because he wanted some part of himself to remain. When you leave a place, the place goes on and you fall away. Other people fill the rooms where you slept and ate and loved and fought and the streets forget your tread. And while money comes and mostly goes, a bank account is some kind of record, proof that you were there.

So you can imagine his shock the week before when he called his bank in Kansas City and found that in the seven years since he left, the institution had changed hands so many times that the lumpenbalance of his account had been blown from the ledgers, settling to over eastern Jackson County like so much chaff. And so his determination to leave no such ghosts behind in California.

Nancy, the pleasant assistant manager at the Wells Fargo, asked, a little sheepishly, if she could ask why he was closing his accounts. Her eyes widened perceptibly when he told her he was moving to New York. Moving to New York runs counter to prevailing logic in the Bay Area. This is particularly true in Berkeley where people are accustomed to hearing stories of New Yorkers who have finally come to their senses, fled, and found themselves gratefully enbosomed in what so many of the locals think of as (and one local television station used to gaspingly call) "The Best Place on Earth."

He told Nancy about the job he'd landed with a well-known Manhattan publishing concern. If you want to get anywhere in publishing, he said, you have to do some time in the Big Apple. This resulted in a shared shrug and a nod of their tilted heads.

Of course, he was lying to Nancy. There was no job waiting for him in New York. He had indeed sent the well-known publisher (and many others) his resume but had so far received only a Sixth Avenue breeze in response. For another thing, he'd already moved to New York almost six months before. Five months, two weeks and three days to be exact.

Nancy checked the computer, wrote the combined balance of his accounts on a piece of paper and slid it discreetly, almost conspiratorially, across the marble counter. He had never actually balanced either account, but there appeared to be about as much altogether as he remembered. When he said he'd take a check for $1,200 and the rest in cash, Nancy's eyes widened again. She asked him what kind of bills, and he said twenties would be fine.

As it turned out, that timid four after the comma was actually a nine, meaning that he walked out onto College Avenue with a nervous-making wad in twenty-dollar bills in his front pocket. As he stood looking down Ashby toward the bay, he felt like a character at the beginning of a story in which later something awful happens.

20081104

Calling Purgatory

It only takes a minute or so...










-----
Voice: Emily Lauren
Produced by Lee for the Hypothetical Seven

20081027

Happy at Harry's

The happy hour at Harry's is just beginning to hum when a tall woman in a bright red blazer strides through the door, her eyes sparkling for all to see as she scans the room for the girlfriends she is late in meeting. Ah, there they are! Now to wade through crowd milling near the bar. Excuse me, she says to one man, gently tapping the padded shoulder of his suit coat. He turns and calls out her name all joyously. This is my friend Bob! and Bob cries Hello! and introduces his friends and suddenly the woman finds herself the happy center of boisterous circle of loud chesty men.

Given her smile and admirable poise, this is not the first time she’s found herself in this situation. Either that or she has seen enough Barbara Stanwyck movies to know the drill: She takes in their admiration and sends it back with a ravishing lighthouse sweep.

One of the chesty men asks if he can get her a drink and she says as a matter of fact she was meeting some friends for a glass of wine...

Glass of wine! Glass of wine! the man calls gallantly to the bartender, Glass of wine! and then spins back so as not to lose his place in the happy circle. Another chesty man brakes from the circle and flags down the bartender and pays for the wine and returns triumphantly to the circle with the Glass of wine! Glass of wine! I paid for your glass of wine! Yet another man offers her a string attached to a red balloon he was brought with him to the bar for some reason. It matches your jacket! he shouts triumphantly.

The string turns out to be the one thing in her situation the woman cannot grasp and the balloon shoots for the stamped tin ceiling high above. The chesty men let out a home-team touchdown cheer. And while they cheer and point, the cunning young woman sees her chance and slips away from the circle and moves toward the table at the other end of the bar where her girlfriends wait with sympathetic eyebrows raised and knowing wags of the head.

The balloon bobs along the swirling currents above the bar, rising only to be forced back down by a trio of ceiling fans. The men soon lose interest and their happy circle becomes once more a milling group. The balloon eventually works its way between the ceiling and the blades of the slowest fan and is forgotten until clumps of dust and fuzz that have collected on the backsides of the blades begin to fall and people are saying excuse me but you have a piece of fuzz on your head, on your shoulder, in your drink. A bartender looks up. It's that balloon!

The people laugh and duck and hands cover vulnerable drinks. Soon a clever busboy tapes a bread knife to a broom handle, then tapes that broom handle to another broom handle and pops the balloon, ending the rain of fuzz and raising another cheer from the assembled throng. Several chesty men give the clever busboy hearty backslaps, as he grins sheepishly with his improvised spear.

The burst balloon and string cling tenaciously to one the blades, circling and circling as the happy hour hums on.

------

American Study #28: Kansas City, Missouri

20080916

Hodges in His Home Town

That summer evening began, most auspiciously, with a fist fight. The most pleasant aspect of the fist fight for Hodges was the timing, as if the participants had choreographed the whole thing earlier that day in summer school Metal Shop.

He was driving west on 10th Street in the station wagon he'd borrowed from his father, moving through the thickest part of what was known locally as the Loop. Around him cars full of high school kids watched the sidewalks and parking lots intently for something new or at least interesting, something they hadn't seen the dozens of times they passed up 10th Street to Minnesota Avenue, then over to 11th and back down to 2nd Avenue and back over to 10th to start the circuit again. On the sidewalks and parking lots, other kids gazed hopefully at the cars they had seen pass by dozens of times.

At 10th and Phillips, Hodges saw a ripple go through the sweaty throng a block ahead. The ripple said, "fight!" clearer than any combination of vocables. Faster than the speed of sound, the ripple announced that a welcome point of rage had formed in the humid ennui.

Hodges and his borrowed wagon, idling fortuitously in the far left lane of the one-way thoroughfare, drew closer to the two high-school guys standing just off the curb, puffing their chests at each other, back and forth in a crescendo of tee shirt expansion and thrust. On the stereo of a nearby car Lionel Ritchie was urging everyone to raise the roof and have some fun.

The puffing, which started with so much flair, quickly reached a plateau, a mesa of machismo, and the two contestants started to lose steam. As Hodges drew alongside, it looked as if the fracas might dissolve into the damp night air. But then another, larger kid emerged from the soggy, dead-faced crowd, pushed his fellow primate back with a sinewy and hirsute limb, puffed once for good measure and laid a fistful of bones on the jaw of what was now, beyond any doubt, the beta male.

Hodges heard the mighty crack through the open window. But like so much that happened that night, the action took place on the periphery of his vision. In Hodges' rearview mirror, the impromptu audience was already dissolving. A girl with limp blond hair knelt over the beaten beta, both of whom grew smaller as Hodges drove on to meet his friend Ethan at the bar.


Image above: Phillips11thpano by talented flickr user Jerry7171 (used under a Creative Commons by-share-alike license).

20080912

Advice to No One in Particular

Happiness, to hear it described, is a magic bird call
dropped by an elf in a street you have yet to wander down.
For some it's the culmination of some elusive arrangement
of the furniture, while for others it flows from house pets
or shoes, another thousand a month, a more efficient machine
or a hitherto unmet “Right Person.”

As one skeptical of all of this, but who has at times
found himself aware of his situation and yet not displeased,
here is my advice:

If, on some otherwise ordinary day, that gate swings open,
shut your mouth and keep moving.
Whistle past a graveyard, if you have one handy.
This will pass, but you have not, at least not yet.

Go find a plot of ground and introduce yourself
to the insects and blades of grass. Spit, and make mud
with your fingers, which have many other uses.
Mud has been said to cure blindness
but in most cases a diagnosis is all it takes.

20080904

Terminus

He often found himself wondering
as he ran to catch a late-night bus
if this was what he'd been after
if this life was enough.

20080627

Punctuation

After a moment of awkward silence, Marcus asked a brilliant question, so brilliant that the question mark nearly burst itself with pride.


Image ? by flickr user PetroleumJelliffe, used under a Creative Commons license.

20080529

Extra Squeak


I needed one squeak. But the woman at the hardware store told me they only sold them in packs of three.

So: the first one will go, as planned, at the top of the stairs. In the hours of darkness, it will tell me when I've arrived at the top step. I will then reach for the handrail and continue my journey down to the kitchen without turning on a light.

I've decided to put the second squeak outside the bathroom door, as a kind of signal. Until I find a place for it, the third squeak will stay in the package, to keep it fresh.

20071029

Soggy genesis


In the fall of his sophomore year, on the way to Intro to Film, McKittrick walked into a sudden shower while wearing a new waterproof red anorak. It dutifully repelled a large quantity of water which gravity pulled down toward a pair of highly absorbent khaki trousers. All of which gave him two hours in the reflected glow of "Hiroshima, Mon Amour" to contemplate his damp thighs. He thinks this may be why art films leave him cold.

20071026

Speaking

Observed: Two mortals, men in their twenties, get off the 8:13 train from different cars. Each waves to each. Consumed with grin, one dog-trots to meet his cohort just starting down the concrete stairs.
Conclusion: He has words in his mouth; his day can begin.

Observed: A murder of crows stalks the parapets at the north end of the footbridge leading away from the station. As I approach them I caw, unable to know whether
I offer gibberish (“Say me Mary bean can!”) or intention (“Make way! King of Crows!”). They shrug off with silent flaps, appearing reluctant to converse with an obvious impostor.
Conclusion: I have spoken without having anything to say.

20071025

Instructions

"Don't worry if the customer doesn't express interest initially. If you continue pushing, it will eventually go down his (or her) throat."