Take A Swig, Newley

[Excerpt of interview with BG, conducted at Denver Field Office.]

Agent: So, why was Tim upset?

BG: He was freaked about it being too soon. He’s like pacing around the living room, waving his arms, you know, talking loud. Gary lets him go on for a while and finally just says, “Calm yourself, Newley.”

Agent: Newley?

BG: What? Oh, yeah. Newley is what Gary called Tim sometimes, when he was mad at him. Tim was usually El Segundo when Gary liked him, but one time Gary saw this guy named Newley on YouTube, one of those old videos with the people singing in front of a big curtain. This Newley guy has big eyes and a funny mouth and sang all loud and funny and afterward Gary says he looks like Tim, and we all laughed. Even Tim laughed, except you could tell Tim didn’t really think it was funny. He hated it. Dave called Tim Newley once and Tim cuffed him, made his nose bleed.

Agent: Did anyone else have a nickname?

BG: Yeah, we all had names that Gary called us, names from videos mostly. Dave was Wild Thing. Hamid was La Forge. I was Willis. Gary said we had to use them when we were on missions.

Agent: Did Gary also have a name for missions?

BG: Yeah, on missions he was Mr. Phelps.

Agent: OK, so let’s get back to what you were saying about Tim being upset.

BG: Yeah, so Gary calls him Newley, Tim looked mad, like he does when Gary talks to him like that, but he stopped talking. So Gary passes the bottle to him and says, “Take a swig, Newley.” That’s what we did once something was settled. And Tim takes a swig and hands it to me and I pretend that there’s a hair or something on it so I can wipe it without seeming like I don’t want anybody’s germs before I take a swig myself. But nobody was looking at me anyway. Nobody ever does. I let it splash against my mouth but I didn’t let any go in my mouth. It tastes awful. Then I passed it to Dave.

Agent: What happened then?

BG: Then Gary gets out of the lazy boy and reties the belt on his bathrobe and says, “We thank Brother Newley here for his wisdom,” but he says the last word really mean and he does this kind of bow to Tim. Then he says, “And that concludes the panel discussion portion of our program. We leave in an hour.” Then he took the bottle and walked back to the bedroom. Tim told us to start loading the guns in the van.

Image above: It's true... by talented Flickr user james_michael_hill, used under a Creative Commons license.


Nick said...

not gonna end well for gary

Lee said...

does not pay, gary